Three things I learned today

I was reading a post on how to write like a funny woman and realized a couple of rules used in improv comedy work really well when applied to relationships.

1. Be in a scene (a place, a time, an action).

So in terms of improv or writing this means, don't describe or overly dramatize what is happening. Just be in it.

Re: Your relationship. Be in it. Don't be worrying about the future, or thinking about how your gross past is infecting the present. Just be aware of what is happening with you right now. If you are unhappy now, be unhappy now, don't measure it against future potential happiness, don't try to explain it or describe it into non-existence. Don't look at your history and say well, I'm comparatively happy, so this must be happy. If the scene (ie; ahem your relationship - go with my metaphor here please) calls for you to be happy, angry, selfish, joyous, smitten, scared, whatever do it. Take the consequences of being actually in the scene because whatever they are they will be richer than whatever hack job you make up to avoid reality.

2. “Yes, and.”

That is what you say to keep a scene going. (Again scenes are relationships). Saying no immediately kills a scene. Your scene partner (or partners) can't easily follow a no. Well they can, but you've severely limited their options and that means your scene will not evolve into something awesome, hilarious, scary, surreal, horrifying. I mean I suppose in terms of relationships, if you want to avoid a scene, throw a few no's in there, and all you'll get is nothing, so yay! right? Who wants a satisfying, meaningful scene with a point when they can have a couple of yahoos saying no NO NO NO over and over again.

Oh right nobody, because that's a shitty scene and a terrible relationship.

The point is, in a relationship, go for "yes and" as often as possible. Draw each other out, support each other, take an interest. I don't mean be a yes man, disagree if that's what you feel. But even as you argue, ask questions, explore options, try new things and engage with possibility. Have the hard talks, don't shut them down with a no.

Here's where I'll say something truly nutty. I sometimes think that monogamy ( this is the part where my little brother likes to smack me) is a form of 'no'. It's a way to make two people so afraid of the consequences of certain desires, they don't even say them in the first place. For a long time homophobia was a huge "NO" to certain relationships, and families lived in the dark about partners or children's real identities and loves. How sucky.

Now that we're finally entering the "Yes, and" era of gay love and things are getting way better right? Can you imagine if we got to that era with monogamy? How changed relationships would become if love weren't synonymous with ownership. Just try it, say "Yes and," to the idea and see what scary things you come up with.

So don't "NO" things because they scare, anger or perplex you, "YES, and" them first, so you can actually talk about what's going on.

Sorry about the digression, and to be 100% honest, as someone who has some serious jealousy issues I am not the one to be "yes anding" polyamory in my own life, I just think it's a pretty neat example.

Last thing, not related to Improv.

I was having a discussion with a friend tonight who is convinced that the only way to be in love is to love unconditionally. I called bullshit on that and then had this sort of "Socrates if socrates was a bit of a nitwit" moment, where I tried to dialectically reason the following out with him.

True love is unconditional?

Yes

So if a person had a condition, in unconditional love their partner would have to meet it? Or it would cease to be an unconditional love.

Give me an example

I will only make love to you every second tuesday of the month. In unconditional love do you still love this person?

Yes

So to love someone unconditionally, you just give them the power to create every 'condition' in which the relationship can continue, and are sworn to uphold those conditions regardless.

Yes, but they do the same to you

Right, so unconditional love is actually 100% conditional love.

No, because they cancel each other other out.

That's impossible, if I am twisting around to meet all your conditions because I love you 'unconditionally" and you are doing the same, than there is absolutely nothing 'unconditional' happening. It's behavioral psychology, two people imposing change on each other. It's creepy like BF Skinner type manipulation. Why can't people just be up front about the things they don't like?

Like How?

Like: "I also want to have sex on Wednesdays."

"But don't you love me?"

"Yes but I love sex on Wednesdays too."

"You're being ridiculous."

"Unconditional love is ridiculous."