May Post a Lot

That's probably okay right? Now that I have this empty time to fill.

I went to the gym again yesterday. This time it was really hard, and I ran much more slowly, and I stared at all the other people working out and I felt like a goof. A lonely goof who wanted someone to talk to.

So I talked to an older lady while we picked through a pile of drastically reduced cardigans at Zellars.

Then I went to my friends house to cook her dinner. Her mom just died suddenly in a car accident and I was invited over as an expert.

Only every person's experience is different. So I just made her soup and we talked, and I tried to make her laugh at least once every half hour.

She's on a crazy drug cocktail for her injuries because she was in the accident that killed her mother. The pills are all tiny, but when I read the labels I could see why she nodded off during the movie.

At one point she said she'd been having a really dark set of thoughts. That if she had stayed in the city over the holiday as requested by her friends, instead of going up to her parents place to visit, then her mom would not have been in the seat that was the most dangerous, (the back seat, with no cross strap) and would not have died in the crash.

It hurt so much to hear her say that. I went over and put my arms around her to give her a hug, but I only did it because I didn't want to say, "I've had thoughts like that for 7 years. They don't stop you just learn not to believe in them."

People deserve a lot of credit for trying so hard to have control in the face of a great deal of evidence suggesting we have none.

I keep avoiding looking at anything that will remind me of my ex. That is how I am being in control today. Sunday morning was always our time. I miss the warmth of his body, I miss the quiet talking and making coffee for us in bed.

The story I keep telling is if I had been wiser in my actions. If I had known how to do a correct intervention. How to express myself perfectly, maybe he'd be here now, and we could have the talks we needed to have.

Last night Schmendrick The Magician (we were watching the Last Unicorn) had this line. He says; "There is no happy ending because nothing ever ends!"

Which is an adorable and sage sounding thing. But only true if you have enough flakiness in your system. I don't, I have a modicum enough to read horoscopes, not enough to believe I can take over the course of nature, or force people to change because I want my life to turn out differently.