A decent set (comedy) and a hard conversation (love)

I am a harsh critic of my work as far as the stand-up habit is concerned. So while you might think I have let that activity lapse the opposite is true, I have been working as hard as ever, it's just that I think most of my sets are kind of crappy when I review them at home.

Last week however, I finally did a set that I think hit all the bases. It was funny, quick, in time and on topic. Yay!

Let me know what you think:

Comedy Brawl Gauntlet set from Miriam Verburg on Vimeo.

As far as the rest of my life is concerned, things are okay.

By okay I mean, not exactly as I would like them to be, but I am learning some interesting new life lessons that I think are going to serve me well in the future.

I know I am being cryptic aren't I, well fuck alls y'alls I am not writing a relationship blog am I?

The thing I learned this week or the thing I have been learning for the past few years, and continued to work on this week is that for me anyways, the first step is learning to ask directly for what you want in love and relationships.

Like many people I am good at asking for what I want from some parts of my life and not others. I am good at asking for what I want in terms of my career, (and I mean asking in the most new-agey and flakey way possible, asking the universe, asking Craig's List, asking myself). I don't really flounder around wondering what I want to "do with my life", I just do my best, and put faith where faith should be placed, in my abilities, and in a healthy dose of luck and good networks.

I am also I think good at friends, or I lucked out and got some amazing friends and family. Whatever the situation, in that domain I am truly blessed.

I know other people don't feel so confident or so stable in work, or in their vocation, or with their communities, and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have those parts of my life so I am thankful for that.

The thing is, I have so many insecurities in the domain of intimacy, it's actually kind of a balanced. In an unbalanced way.

Work = Good to Great
Love = Just don't even go there
Friendship + Family = Excellent beyond all rational expectation
Life in general = I manage, don't we all?

This winter I had an intense conversation with my friend. She kept hammering at me to define what I wanted from love, and I just kept telling her what I didn't think I wanted, or what I objected to, or what scared me about intimacy in general.

After she left I was furious, (this is what best friends are for, taking us out of safety zones for our own good) and I swore never to let her have a say in matters of my heart ever again.

Except she had left this tiny nagging splinter of doubt. Was I really afraid to define what I wanted because I thought I didn't deserve it?

Yes. Holy Fuck Yes.

So I've been slowly working through this terrifying process of admitting to myself that I want a partner. I want a partner who is going to share my life with me and care about stuff together with me and make plans together with me, me, me, me.

And I want a partner I can care for, I want to be able to make plans with them, make presents for them, visit their family with them, figure out their career or vocational issues with only them, them them them them.

The irony is that in the latest episode of 30 Rock, (because you know Liz Lemon and I are sharing the same plot synopsis) Liz has her epiphanic moment in the middle of a game of singles dodgeball. She says "and I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old and that's what I want". The handsome man standing opposite her getting pelted by dodgeballs replies:

"You makeh de much English this is fun alchoholics meeting!"

Yep. The shitty thing about admitting what you want is having to live with the response you get.

So this Friday, I asked someone I had been dating for a few months, for what I wanted, and got turned down flat. Not in a I don't like you kind of way, in the more insidious I don't want a relationship kind of way, like being kissed on the cheek while being kicked to the curb.

And it sucked, it sucked because I had finally decided I was going to try for it and not be afraid, only I forgot to inform my date that I was trying, and he forgot to inform me that he wasn't and so for several months we've been reading from different playbooks and now I think we're both a little angry and hurt. Or at least I am, I think he just feels bad, because he didn't want to let me down and in the end that's precisely what happened.

But I asked finally. I didn't pretend to be happy with what I was getting and I didn't pretend not to want more to keep from putting my heart at risk.

It's a start, and sadly because relationships take another person. I am going to have to wait until another serious contender comes along before I can ask again.

But I think I made a good start this time.