The Things I should say in a phone call to Ruth

I freaked out this week.

I guess it was bound to happen, not to mention the Salmonella.

I over-reacted, over-compensated, over-did it and most of all I avoided my true emotions by trying to replace my old life with a new life faster then you can say online personals.

Yep, whoops.

Last night I finally realized that I am homesick, that I am afraid that if I don't get a job, or make an amazing *career* for myself in the next 2 weeks I will fail for the rest of my life and that I miss my fucking xboyfriend like someone is digging a hole in my heart with a dessert spoon. If my head says "hello pretty lady" to my heart one more time I am going to tear it off and replace it with a basketball.

Anyways, I finally realized this yesterday. After jumping around it for the whole time it took to have food poisoning and watch episodes of 3 - 8 of United States of Tara.

Then I lay in my old bed in my new apartment and wished I could be home in st. Henri with every fibre of my being.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving down the 401 back to Montreal. Walking the dog this morning it occurred to me that I had traded my whole community for colonial architecture and better trees.

This afternoon, my phone-therapist helped me understand that I expect too much from myself and that life is not a simple pass/fail. It usually takes a few tries to get it right. "I don't know why but I always feel like I am being tested" I said, "sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is setting that situation up."

"Sometimes you wonder if it's you, sometimes you know it is you, and sometimes you try to pretend you're not doing anything at all." My therapist replied.

"What? Sorry can you repeat that last part." I replied.

"Miriam, who else could possibly be testing you on managing your own life? If not you?"

This is why I pay her money to talk to me on the phone. Because she helps.

After we hung up I took Lola up to the shopping street, for her walk. A man stopped me at the corner and said "Excuse me, do you live near here." I pulled back a little suspicious. "Uhm.. yeah."

He said, "I am looking at apartment for rent up there." He gestured up the street "And I wanted to know what you think of this neighbourhood, do you like living here?"

"I love it here. It's great." I said briskly, pulling Lola away.

I was telling a provisional truth. I do love this neighbourhood, it is great. Just sometimes I wish it was 600km closer to a different city.

This is a song I have already posted on previous blog entries, but it's a nice one for recovering from the storms in teacups that are heart-pains.

Kim Barlow - Up Too Early Flying