A Kind of Homecoming

I've become reluctant to write personal details here, but at the same time, the last few days have been so remarkable that posterity demands some sort of description. Otherwise in 20 years I'll have only the sketchiest memories of the first four days living in Toronto (again).

The first thing I am aware of constantly is that even though this is the city I was born in, grew up in, and fled, it's really not the same place at all. I am a pretty different character then when I left, my family has grown (or shrunk depending on the POV) and changed, and my feelings about this city have evolved from the quiet simmering hatred of youth to this new surprising thing: I am falling in love with Toronto. I wake up every morning after a deep and restful slumber, the sun shines through the trees in front of my bedroom window, and I am simply content. I love my home and feel pretty okay about my future prospects. I will let you in a on a little secret. I have never felt like this in my life. Usually I am a worried, irascible, grumpy person when I wake up. Not so anymore.

When not feeling the love, there's a feeling of being lost in a place I used to know like the back of my hand. The closest thing I can imagine would be time travel. I feel like an 18 year old me might still be here, biking around feeling a bit sad and unhappy, scheming that I will leave and find a better version of me in Montreal. I feel as if I just turned my head a little or stared out of the corner of my eyes I would see her, pedaling hell bent for leather. Then I wonder if I left a me behind in Montreal, the 20 - 30 something me. Probably.

A couple of lovely things seen or experienced so far:

I love my new neighbourhood, the super-long blocks that never end, the huge trees, the fact that apparently this area is church central. The ratio of church to block here appears to be 1:1. For every block there is a church and for every church a different denomination. At the end of my street is an Eastern European Baptist church. I didn't even know there were Baptists in Eastern Europe. Kitty corner and visible from my bedroom window is a Korean church, I don't know the denomination.

I love that today I ran into Digney, who I went to high school with. He said; "You should come to my store" I assumed he meant the store he worked at. No sir, he owns the organic grocery at the end of the street. He has gray in his hair, and he owns a business. I am floored with a mixture of nostalgia and also just sheer incomprehension, it's like I expected Toronto and everyone in it to sit under glass, waiting for me to come home or something. As we talk, in my minds eye, I see high school Digney wearing some kind of grunge shirt and little purple glasses, it's like having double vision, or living in a movie perhaps.

I love that later in the day while working at this cafe I was talking to Lauren on the phone, She said: "I'm going to hang up on you for five minutes, I've gotta get a coffee" as she said this I watched her walk in the cafe door in front of me, I said into the phone; "Lauren, Lauren, over here, Lauren turn around!" She said: "Why is your voice so loud all of a sudden?" And turned to face the wall of cups and specialty coffees. I said: " Not towards the cups the other way." She replied: "I don't understand what are you - OH MY GOD ! HA HA HA HA..."

I don't know why this is happening to me, I have relocated to the biggest city in Canada and it turns out I have two friends who own businesses and have studios near by.

Lauren said there was a technological explanation for what happened, but I am a romantic and if I have to be honest, a spiritual person and I think today was a sign, I was right, it *is* time to come home.

I will have to write another post later when I am feeling sad about all the weird lonely for Montreal feelings, they resurface ever so often and the interplay of my happiness at being here and my sorrow at leaving is probably what makes this whole thing so galdarn intense. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, if you left your hometown 12 years ago vowing never to return - and then returned, maybe then you do.