Completion anxiety

Submitted by mir on January 28, 2009 - 10:57am

So I have started coding my interviews, which I will admit I love. It's like taking all the thinking I do when I read, (which usually occurs as a disorganized stream of barely contained brain-murmer) and trying to make a flexible system for it. Ie; oh that sentence made you think of community again, and this whole passage is about social justice, but it's a personal reflection on social justice not a teaching moment - how do I organize that?

See illustration to get a visual aid. Thanks to Steven I have a fantastic piece of Open Source software called Tams Analyzer. It's about as easy to use as falling out of bed and hitting your head. Yes, that easy, and it's fun too. It also looks like xhtml so I am not even having to learn a new visual/textual metaphor it's all tags all the time here folks, which is just awesome.

The problem now is that since I have gotten down to the extremely fun task ( even though yes it's a little insane and time-consuming) of actually thinking about my research, I have realized that I have mega hella completion anxiety.

Like the #1/ I don't know what the hell I am doing so I should just stop #2/ It's going to suck anyways so I should just stop #3/ If and when I do finish I will be an unemployed MA with a degree in Media Studies and Fine Arts so I should just stop #4/ It's all been said already and better then this, so I should just stop.

There are many many personal vectors, read: tiny little me's with loud voices, batting around in la tete comme des câlisse de houseflys, most of whom are intent upon convincing me that it is in my own best interest to STOP already.

I always knew I had anxiety around finishing work, especially my own, anyone who's ever visited my house knows that there are 3 unfinished paintings hanging from the walls, and I like 'em that way, unfinished. In fact, for the most part I am afraid to finish them, because I think that if I do they will be ruined. That is how I feel right now about this project and if I do not find some nifty trick for getting rid of this sensation the next month is going to be hell on wheels psychologically speaking.

Okay, 'nuff said, back to work.

mir's blog

Comments

Submitted by Anoniem (not verified) on January 28, 2009 - 4:00pm. #

1. I believe in your work. Before I met you I had such disdain for cultural and media studies that I really didn't consider it more than mental masturbation. If you can change my mind - and I don't mean going from "It's useless" to "Oh, it's kind of interesting," but from "It's useless" to "this is actually necessary to have some sense of awareness about how we're living and talking to each other as human beings and if I don't make an attempt to understand this I may as well be some kind of automaton going about my day." Because of you my bookshelf now has books on Cultural Theory, Literary Theory and Semiotics. Because of you I actually read Catheine MacKinnon instead of dismissing the caricature that had been presented to me.

2. Finishing this isn't an ending. I mean, it is, because when you're done you end up with a beautful, tidy package of scholarship. The abstract unity of a finished piece of study is aesthetically appealing: a watertight sentence, an equation reduced to its essence. Doesn't the allure of wrapping up your thoughts and putting a string around it like a perfectly assembled picnic lunch make you happy?

3. You know what you're doing, it's going to be perfect, you're already employed and you're going to be when you finish this and whatever you're going to say has never been said in your voice from your perspective.

4. I have no God damned idea what on Earth any of that computerish technical glipglap is is but it's pretty.

5. It's snowing here and foggy. Which is lovely.

Submitted by al (not verified) on January 31, 2009 - 6:03am. #

It's because you care that you are nervous about finishing. If it reassures you:

1. a life's mental work is never done
2. it's impossible to get it perfect

love,

Nervous in Norway.