The V Word

To the boys in my life. #1/ Get over it. #2/ Consider this a shot across the bow. If you see my eyes get glassy while I stare at you closely, and if I'm like rubbing my belly and it seems I am doing mental arithmetic, you should either head for the hills, or pour a bucket of cold water on me stat.

I write this as much for your sake as mine ;)

So I was discussing the romantic single life with Tanya today, and I told her about this theory, I am not sure if I have mentioned it on the blog yet. It's technically not my theory, Kristy R. who is a friend of Lauren's thought it up and told it to us at some event one time and I loved it.

So the theory is that when you meet a potential date, there are two major players in the decision as to whether the potential is a worthy one or not. The first player is the head and the second is the vagina, or the vageen, as some younger folk like to call it.

As Kristy bluntly put it. "The reason I am single is that if head says yes, then vagina says no. and if vagina says yes, then head usually says fuck no, not in a million years."

So I was explaining this all to Tanya who was nodding gravely and murmuring her agreement, (this is serious stuff after all) when I added, "you know I think lately, I have also had to have a uterus in the decision making process as well." She said "watch you talking about?" (Tanya is slim and blond and looks about as ghetto as an embroidered napkin, but she likes to talk ghetto) so I explained that over the last few years, my uterus liked to get in there and strong arm the whole debate. "Look at that one" the uterus whispers, "it has a car and a mortgage - let's make babies with it" or it'll say "Oh that one has a career and a great sense of humour, let's make our babies with that one." Both head and vagina are a little perplexed by the uterus to be honest, they're like - "Yo! we were doing a great job keeping Miriam single and unhappy why you gotta come around looking at everyone like a walking paternity suit you're fucking with the program dude." Also both head and vagina think the uterus has weird standards sometimes you know, not looking at the whole picture, like what I want and need in a lifemate and a partner, just the baby-making aspect of the whole experience.

So I told all this to Tanya who pursed her lips thoughtfully and said, "yeah I think you're right - the uterus is totally in there too."

Fast forward a few hours and I am walking into the gym to start my workout and there's this guy there - that yes I have looked at before but that's because he looks so much like Mike (but smaller) that I call him mini-Mike (It just occurred to me that I could also call him lapel Mike get it??). Anyways mini-Mike is going hard on the elliptical machine and he's wearing a bright blue shirt that says in huge letters; "I Make Great Babies."

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Since when did goddamn teeshirt makers know that my fucking UTERUS IS TALKING TO ME!