In retrospect Vice article kinda sucks

So I was in the park with Lola thinking about the Vice article, and it occurred to me that all the charcterizations of female activity are passive. For example;

"Nothing makes her more likely to receive your kiss and you more likely to have balls enough to deliver it."

Uh-hum because as we all know the only way girls can initiate kissing is by standing very still with their head tilted up and their mouth ever so slightly parted. There are many many pictures of teen stars such as Lindsey Lohan in the 'I wish you would kiss me' position.

Or:

"The best way to really get to know somebody is to get his number and then call him in a real casual way from a noisy, fun place yelling, “Hey, I can’t really hear you, but we’re up at Aunt Jemima’s and it’s really fun. I’d give it a fun factor of 8.�

This one technically applies to both genders but especially to girls. It's the "I really (swear to god) don't have the balls to call it what it is" syndrome.

I have taken many a crush out of the boring maybes by asking the person to hang out with me. I mean no panting on the phone, but you can make someone feel special by asking for some of their time, even if you have a Vajayjay.

And of course the real fallacy "Jerking off about her". Uh I actually have been a doing a bit of bedside research into this very subject and as far as I can tell the only people who make a practice of diddling themselves to thoughts of their crushes are the she-ples. Most of the lads I have queried apparently like to jerk-off to porn. Maybe not always, but I think the ratios are something like 1/10. So for a guy to jerk off about me in particular 16 times, that means either a/ I don't like him and he has no chance anyways so should get over it, or b/ he is too shy.

And the big missing letter on the alphabet is Q for QUEER CRUSHES, but no Vice put's "Quiet Time" which is lame. So here's my write up about queer crushes. (written in the LA style)

Q - Queer Crushes.

Okay folks, do not be alarmed, sometimes in life, we get the curve ball thrown at us. This can be when your entire bar mitzvah party comes down with salmonella and you experience a drastic reduction in the quantity and quality of your gift haul. Or it can be waking up one morning to the realization that you just had an erotic dream about your spinning instructor. Whether you are a homo or not, there may come a time in your life when your heart beats and your panties melt for someone of the same gender. This is called a queer crush, and it can be delightful or distressing depending on how open-minded you are. In either case the QC can be a great opportunity for some exploration of your sexuality and your limits.

How to deal: Okay well first off, decide if you want to act, or if this is a crush that is mostly about observation. If your QC is someone in a teaching profession, and if you are reading this and you are 12 than your crush has a long and glorious history, but do not fuck your teacher. She is only what you dream of becoming. Wait until college and then you can become a LUG(lesbian until graduation) or if you have wanted to hump every teacher from kindergarten up to high school graduation - you could become a full out lesbian or a homosexual.

If you do want to act, and (assuming this is a first for you) then I can't recommend more highly going and doing your research. I had a straight friend who went to a new friends house for dinner one night. The friend was of the same gender and had not outed herself at any previous social occasions. She sat my pal down on the couch, popped the cork on a bottle of wine, and needless to say the night went nowhere. Once you have established through the usual means, the object of your desires willingness to engage, then you can engage. Not before. In fact it's just like in straight land. Don't assume that just because a passion that dare not speak it's name is rocking you - that it rocks your galpal/bromance too.

A last word about knowing yourself. The first time you experiment with a queer crush can be pretty frightening, we forget that our first experiences with any crush at any time were frightening and if the desire to go homo hits you late you may feel like you should approach your first assignation with full confidence. It's not true and you don't have to, be prepared to goof up, to freak out and to want to stop way earlier then you would having cuddle time with your 'normal' gender of choice. None of it means it isn't going to work in the future, it just means you have to be patient and know what your limits are. remember that stupid movie called "Dating Jessica Stein", it's like that only not so fucking dumb the first time you make out with a member of the same gender.

If, by the way, your limits are just necking and looking sexy with each other when you go out - please do not try to date any 'real" queers, they will quickly tire of your reindeer games, grow offended and refuse to return your calls, save that shit for your sex in the city type lezzies. Not that it's wrong just that it's going to annoy someone who really wants to rock if all you want to do is a little light petting.

That was fun. I hope I haven't offended anyone too badly. That was such an Un-Vice thing to say wasn't it.