Help! is there a Condom in the room?

I went out yesterday to buy Jane a book of hers I thought I'd lent to another friend and lost.

Which I hadn't. So than I showed up all sheepish holding a paperback of the original actually not-lost Book and Jane was like; "Stupid you already returned that one it's the other one you haven't returned yet." Prompting a full confession of the lending of the borrowed book, which up to that point I had managed to keep well-hidden.

I ended my snivelling explanation with the phrase "Well above all else - the key is to live with integrity." Which I am sure everyone will agree is a perfectly valid sentiment.

Anyways, while making my foray in the rain to the bookstore I came across "The Universal Phrase Book: a picture dictionary for travellers"

Which aside from being attractively pacakged (weird shape, nifty colours, line drawings of stick figures rubbing parts of their anatomy to signify sickness or headache etc..) is also devastatingly incomplete and weirdly formulated from a cultural linguistics point of view.

Take 'condoms' a word which receives a fair amount of use in world travelling circles I imagine.

Where is it located in the book, under "Social" along with tennis, horseback-riding and the theatre? Hell no, it's in a section called "Help!" along with crime, toilet-paper, hay-fever and blood. Personally, I would hope that if I was reaching for my dictionary to look up the word for contraceptive it wouldn't be under circumstances in which substantial aid was required.

"Help me put this condom on you, you drunken bastard". I suppose might be the circumstance in which one both requires help and a condom.