If Browsers were WIMMINZ + THROWDOWN

(Authors note: I am so infuriated, and still so PMS-Y that I feel compelled to overdo the CAPS LOCK)

OMFG!! If Browsers Were Women. In and of itself a potentially humorous premise, if the person who wrote this hadn't been such a objectifying hater. The author is such a fartgobbler that the whole post is an IMAGE - what? Was it too hard to get the pretty words next to the pretty pictures, you weasel?

You know, I am all for a bit of like "the ladiez are craziez" humour, I am not a (gasp!) humorless feminist, but this is just painful. I mean check out the write up next to Chrome (who uses that browser by the way uh? no-one..)

"Extremely skinny, but very cool and friendly, but when it comes to the bedroom she's very inexperienced and has little to offer".

Next to a picture of an obvious anorexic - I mean come on, are you trying to fuck your browser or a woman who's hair is falling out in clumps? Either way, it's disgusting.

BUT I mean, if you wanna bring it I can bring it. After the break: If your browser was a dude.

Second Authors Note: What follows is classified as NSS - Not Safe for Simon. You've been warned Simon, I am going to talk a bit dirty so go carefully.

Firefox

That's right, of course Firefox is a geek. Not necessarily that much to look at from the outside. But woah there Nelly, once you get those cargo pants off and take a peek under the spongebob squarepants boxershorts this dude is HUNG. And, if you're into it, he'll totally do all sorts of nasty shit that he learned from the 10 years spent jerking off exclusively to online and DVD filth. You know, before internet dating actually worked and he could meet a woman from so far outside his social circle she will never find out that in high school the football team made him drink his own urine from the toilet.

Safari

The web guy. This is the first man you dated post-college who wasn't still working at the same lame-ass job he had in college. That means he had good clothes, clean hair, and some money in the bank - while retaining most, if not all, of his youthful optimism. Sadly, CSS2, Ruby, Ajax and a bunch of other acronyms for shit you don't care about has left him robbed of all sex drive, and more perplexing, he seems unable to converse about anything that exists off the internet. Like, not even the weather. Eventually you dump his sorry limp ass, and go back to dating the guy who still works as a waiter at Ho Jo's but loves to go down.

Internet Explorer

If your ex, Web Guy plays his cards right, he may turn into the similarly emasculated, (but hiding it very well) Web Entrepreneur.

In the 90's these guys were called EB2B specialists, or E-business, but they quickly realized that shit sounded lame. Following four years spent "discovering his strengths", read: fired from early dot com, subsequently lived in parents basement jerking off to online porn (see geek) which he watched on Internet Explorer - truly this man is a cypher. Anyways, after 4 years in 'reflection', out he crawls with sexy stubble and an airtight business model printed on high quality A4.

It's so easy to hate this guy - with his jargon and his crummy taste in wine, that he thinks is awesome, because he read all about wine on About.com. But the real reason to hate him is that he invented Spouse 2.0. That's right, co-dependence - reloaded.

Opera

Opera is Rusty, the lame scientist dad on the Venture Bros. You want to like Opera, but he's balding and he's whiny and he takes to long in the bathroom and when he comes out it really smells. But he pretends like nothing happened in there and proceeds to put his hands on your breasts, and smell your hair deeply.

And all you can think is "Rusty - did you wash your hands after taking that enormous dump?" But rather then asking, you just pack all his stuff for him and leave it in the hall when he comes home from work the next day. He still doesn't understand why you harshed on him and blames you for the fact that he is so totally socially inept and has bad hygiene.

Chrome

Chrome is Neo. He believes he lives in an elaborate hologram. Need I say more?