If Browsers were WIMMINZ + THROWDOWN
(Authors note: I am so infuriated, and still so PMS-Y that I feel compelled to overdo the CAPS LOCK)
OMFG!! If Browsers Were Women. In and of itself a potentially humorous premise, if the person who wrote this hadn't been such a objectifying hater. The author is such a fartgobbler that the whole post is an IMAGE - what? Was it too hard to get the pretty words next to the pretty pictures, you weasel?
You know, I am all for a bit of like "the ladiez are craziez" humour, I am not a (gasp!) humorless feminist, but this is just painful. I mean check out the write up next to Chrome (who uses that browser by the way uh? no-one..)
"Extremely skinny, but very cool and friendly, but when it comes to the bedroom she's very inexperienced and has little to offer".
Next to a picture of an obvious anorexic - I mean come on, are you trying to fuck your browser or a woman who's hair is falling out in clumps? Either way, it's disgusting.
BUT I mean, if you wanna bring it I can bring it. After the break: If your browser was a dude.
Second Authors Note: What follows is classified as NSS - Not Safe for Simon. You've been warned Simon, I am going to talk a bit dirty so go carefully.
Firefox
That's right, of course Firefox is a geek. Not necessarily that much to look at from the outside. But woah there Nelly, once you get those cargo pants off and take a peek under the spongebob squarepants boxershorts this dude is HUNG. And, if you're into it, he'll totally do all sorts of nasty shit that he learned from the 10 years spent jerking off exclusively to online and DVD filth. You know, before internet dating actually worked and he could meet a woman from so far outside his social circle she will never find out that in high school the football team made him drink his own urine from the toilet.
Safari
The web guy. This is the first man you dated post-college who wasn't still working at the same lame-ass job he had in college. That means he had good clothes, clean hair, and some money in the bank - while retaining most, if not all, of his youthful optimism. Sadly, CSS2, Ruby, Ajax and a bunch of other acronyms for shit you don't care about has left him robbed of all sex drive, and more perplexing, he seems unable to converse about anything that exists off the internet. Like, not even the weather. Eventually you dump his sorry limp ass, and go back to dating the guy who still works as a waiter at Ho Jo's but loves to go down.
Internet Explorer
If your ex, Web Guy plays his cards right, he may turn into the similarly emasculated, (but hiding it very well) Web Entrepreneur.
In the 90's these guys were called EB2B specialists, or E-business, but they quickly realized that shit sounded lame. Following four years spent "discovering his strengths", read: fired from early dot com, subsequently lived in parents basement jerking off to online porn (see geek) which he watched on Internet Explorer - truly this man is a cypher. Anyways, after 4 years in 'reflection', out he crawls with sexy stubble and an airtight business model printed on high quality A4.
It's so easy to hate this guy - with his jargon and his crummy taste in wine, that he thinks is awesome, because he read all about wine on About.com. But the real reason to hate him is that he invented Spouse 2.0. That's right, co-dependence - reloaded.
Opera
Opera is Rusty, the lame scientist dad on the Venture Bros. You want to like Opera, but he's balding and he's whiny and he takes to long in the bathroom and when he comes out it really smells. But he pretends like nothing happened in there and proceeds to put his hands on your breasts, and smell your hair deeply.
And all you can think is "Rusty - did you wash your hands after taking that enormous dump?" But rather then asking, you just pack all his stuff for him and leave it in the hall when he comes home from work the next day. He still doesn't understand why you harshed on him and blames you for the fact that he is so totally socially inept and has bad hygiene.
Chrome
Chrome is Neo. He believes he lives in an elaborate hologram. Need I say more?
Project leader with a focus on youth and technology. Excellence in creative direction, content production, client service, and collaboration. Background in web development and interactive media. Experience working with private sector, academic, and nonprofit organizations. Genuine, practical, imaginative.
Oh yes, also an aspiring stand-up comedian. For reals.
mir (@) mirverburg.net
- mirverburg: @MKultra I wouldn't mind them sleeping if the service was better, but I am not paying 3 dollars a trip so someone can nap in a chair.
- mirverburg: RT @JamesMBishop TTC asleep at the stands: http://twitpic.com/z2nrp #TTC #Fail This poor man is finished.
- mirverburg: @ncbeets You were kinda asking for it. DId you stick the pipe cleaners in them or go natural?
- mirverburg: RT @walkah The internet meme that just keeps on givin' http://shouldiusetablesforlayout.com/
- mirverburg: The hangover is so much less cool.
- mirverburg: That was cool.
- mirverburg: Okay folks, tonight at Spirits 9:00pm I got some jokes. 642 church street no cover.
- mirverburg: @griffithgreene I misread that as "incarcerations" at first.
- mirverburg: @amybcoops wow a) I love the design of that page and b) I am going to read it later when I get home and get all biatchy and ladylike.
- mirverburg: Sorry for all the HypeM twits it's been a good day for music at work.
Comments
Whoa! That was not intended to be a "the ladiez are craziez" joke. It was more of "Some browsers are like very crazy women" joke for people who have experience working with different browsers (web developers, for example).
"Extremely skinny, but very cool and friendly, but when it comes to the bedroom she's very inexperienced and has little to offer".
Translation: "Chrome is a very light, cool and user-friendly program, but it's a very new browser and has very little of features/plug-ins to offer (yet)."
None of this was intended to offend women. If it was intended to offend someone (something?), it would be browsers. I don't think browsers have feeling.
That said, I enjoyed reading this angry and funny post, thanks for response. :)
hi Paul,
I don't like jokes that compare women's bodies or personalities, to different kinds of machines, cars, guns, ice-cream makers, you name it, it bothers me. This is especially true when the only comparison it appears you are making is one that deals with the kind of sex you could have with the various lady browsers.
Also, and more importantly no way is Explorer a girl - as a gender we are hella superior to that piece of shit browser.
I am a web designer in fact, so I got the different "traits" across browsers and chicks.
My metaphor-wise I was more thinking; "what kind of guy would use /love these browsers and why - and how can I best describe them in a way that would incite the same kind of discomfort that I experience when I read about someone who shares many of my physical characteristics described in what I would consider pejorative terms".
For future reference, if you had described the lady browsers like:
Firefox: She's that girl who is super normal looking on the outside, but it turns out her underwear is wicked cool, also she has the entire x-men series in mint condition in the closet at her mom's house and it is totally a secret from her friends because it embarrasses her.
I would be cool with that.
Also if you wrote
Internet Explorer is a hussy who will do it with anyone, she is such a hussy she comes pre-loaded on most PC's
Also okay - but you just got in there and made me feel like meat?
I can't explain it, it's a real fine line and sadly you crossed it - which is too bad 'cause you sound like a nice enough person.
Thanks for commenting though, and liking my jokes ;)
A real fine line and you crossed it. Get real show me this real fine line. Your lame, get over it.
I've read both blogs and I must say that a little humor goes a long way do diffuse any situation. There is more or less nothing that is taboo to joke about in my opinion since it is just that, a joke! Jokes are allowed to be crude, lame, sexist, flaming, insulting, heck some might even be funny.
It's when someone starts to actually have believes matching those jokes that it's time to get scared.
So what I want to say is, both comparisons are real funny, just leave it at that!
Two Firefoxes are sitting on the couch laughing at your jokes. And no, we won't tell you what happens when we go downstairs to the bedroom . . . .
I found the one with the chicks funny, this one was lame. Go make out with Mr. Internet Explorer. You completely missed the point of the original, and completely went off on a feminist tangent that was really boring.
She "completely missed the point?" There really wasn't much of a point to get; it was a t-shirt level metaphor, and it was about as funny. I don't, personally, think that the original post was worth the energy of anger, but for you to say that someone "missed the point" says more about your own depth than about anything else.
why are you so lame?
Why are you so lame?
Why do people think feminists are boring, I am not boring I am hella-fun. I am way more fun then say, someone who flames blogs.
I am boring and lame and not a feminist, so between the two of us we've completely confounded your preconceptions. Go back to school.
super funny.
Nice idea to make it also for men... but seriously... get a life!
Ouch.
(I work for Opera.)
But still more funny, and a lot more incisive (as well as a lot less moronic) than the "inspiration". Yep, even things we hate can inspire us, sometimes to do good things.
So next time I take too long in the toilet, I won't pretend it didn't happen. But try hanging out for a little while, and you might find a lot of surprises (mostly good ones - although every relationship has tender spots).
Thanks Chaals,
I actually really like the Venture Bros, but the Monarch is my favorite, and the weird thing is, in a recently viewed episode there's a scene where he sits in a porta-potty for like 5 minutes talking to Dr. Girlfriend the whole while about how he can't perform.
When he comes out he goes; "that was a total waste of time full of sound and fury, signifying nothing - WE MUST FIND A REAL TOILET!"
I totally understood why Dr. Girlfriend sticks by him, despite the wings and the fucked up eyebrows.
:( man, I use chrome
why you gotta be playa-hatin'
The problem with this is that you missed the point of the joke. I am sure the authour of the original was being kind when he complimented you. It is pretty obvious what the joke is in the first one whereas I don't really understand what you are talking about here. I can work out some of them with help from the original but, for example, opera - what????
This again perfectly demonstrates the weakness of single issue politics. If you can only see things from one point of view then it means you will miss the point more often than not.
I read both and got the same impression: rather a little shocked but couldn't stop reading. Your response is totally something my cousin would write. If firefox were a guy, I'd say something like: fancy dresser, protects me from bad guys, handy with his tools, helps me forget the bad times with my ex (Explorer). This is from no webdesigner, but from a lay-woman's point of view.
Hella funny!
The first one about women could had a lot of potential - enjoyed it but not enough actual humour beside the pictures. I kept wondering if the real joke was supposed to be that when a man compares browsers as if they were women, all he can think about it sex (?) O.O
Actually, this is the only "if browsers were men" page I came across in my web travels. Thank you Miriam Verburg.
I wondered about people who are not into web development who see this. What do they think? I wondered what heterosexual women's preferences -- or for that matter, gay men's preferences -- would be for an internet browser. So I set up my own experiment, maintaining the tone of the "original."
http://sayblade.blogspot.com/2009/09/if-internet-browsers-were-men.html
Have a look and add a comment if you like.
"...how can I best describe them in a way that would incite the same kind of discomfort that I experience..."
That's the fundamental problem - a guy wouldn't experience discomfort reading something like that. Your response alone proves you fall under the same stereotypical female (personality) categories that the original author joked about, even if he didn't intend offense. Men and women are wired in different ways that lend them both to stereotypes... because we're different. The sooner people recognize and embrace that, the sooner we all get along a little better.
My response alone really?
Just because people have different wires doesn't mean they cannot experience similar emotions.
I have male friends who have felt exposed, objectified and a bit humiliated because they were looked at as pieces of meat before they were understood as human beings. Sure, some guys probably love being ogled by women, or valued only for their worth as sexual partners, but I am guessing far fewer of them then you think, and I don't think it's because they are biologically primed not to care about objectification.
A women on the internet? What is going, as hell froze over while i wasn't watching
I don't think that the original is offending. At all. I think that Firefox and Safari girls are the hottest, that's all. But *this* comparison is rather unfriendly and is not about what the original is about. IMHO.
Oh wait i'm a foreign lesbian so my feelings or opinions don't count.
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